10.23.24 | When To Give Up

I'm in a graduate program that I am doing virtually and I never want to hear criticism that online programs are the easy way out.

There is nothing easy about spending hours to write a thorough and fleshed out elaborate discussion post and lose points because you forgot to include citations in the responses.

I got 3 hours of sleep last night and just had a cookie to help with my dreams. I'm beyond exhausted and get to spend my days with an organization that inspires me to resume freelancing FT.

I forgot how mentally and spiritually exhausting it was to work with people who prioritize complacency while working in a field that requires a sense of duty and urgency.

What they don't tell you about pursuing a career with meaningful impact is how much those industries are filled with people who don't care enough about how their lack of work ethic affects the quality of services for people who deserve better.

It's hard for me to not see how damaging STILL the dynamic of white saviors who comprise the majority of leadership positions in "community" organizations are causing as they "allegedly" aim to serve brown and black people. When it comes to supporting the adults in the room, there is always a fix to the problem. Yet, that same "whatever it takes" attitude rarely trickle down to the students.

I'd love to write a book one day about my experiences working at a CBO within an urban school setting.

I have a theory that is rooted in my observation of watching how these people roll.

Organizations serve as gatekeepers for marginalized communities trying to survive within a complex society.

Rather than facilitate ease and accessibility, they create gridlocks and bottlenecks that exacerbate social conditions which reinforce the manufactured need for the CBOs. It's hella frustrating to watch because of how fondly I've come to regard the students I work with.

Things don't need to be this way...but they do if an organization is going to have any kind of leverage to keep the money flowing.

I use the term organization loosely because systems are upheld by people who are invested in maintaining them. Disarray and apathy cannot survive without individuals benefitting from it.

I say all of this as I ride a train to work, barely able to stay awake, because my body is crying out about how unsustainable all of this is for my well-being.

I can only put so much on others before I have to acknowledge and address the ways I empower chaos into my life.

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